A lot of internal and external work has happened for a person before they reach out! In my experience, it doesn't matter if a person has been forced to come into counselling against their will or is dedicated and committed - all people have done much processing before they say their first word in therapy.
Before speaking, you have taken a risk and embraced vulnerability. It's taken a whole lot of self-awareness and strength to recognise counselling may have to play some necessary part in your life. A lot has been happening inside. And, even if you've been dragged along by a partner or parent who is threatening you with ultimatums (could happen), you've still seen the importance of therapy in your situation. This takes both vulnerability and strength.
The truth is: I really dislike hearing that talking is the first step to making a change. You may have heard this before. A counsellor may say - "You're now ready to talk! Thank you for taking this first step".
There are a few reasons why this feels to me like nails on a chalk board. It's simplistic and reduces the client, which is always a huge red flag. And it's just untrue. Talking always involves more than one person, in this case the professional counsellor but it could be a trusted friend. If talking were the first step, this implies the person struggling needed the other in order to make the first step. As though without this other person one would struggle forever. But this isn't the case. Also, as said briefly above, a lot of internal work has happened beforehand, so it's all just too simplistic.
I'm aware some counsellors use this phrase to refer to the first step of therapy, but talking isn't even the first stage of therapy. Psychological contact and trust can be built without a word. Therapy can happen without words! It's pretty exclusive (and talk-centric) to claim otherwise. Besides, the first step of therapy isn't the first step of life so why overlook the effort that came before?
You went through a lot and matured a lot before you ever contacted your therapist and entered their room.
Here's what you may have been through or recognised about yourself and your situation before you started talking...
1) Recognised you're unhappy and or desperate
Don't underestimate how tricky this can be to recognise! Some people are in survival mode that means acknowledging they feel unhappy is too much to bear. It's already taken an element of self-awareness to understand this.
2) Acknowledged that there is something about yourself or your life that you would like to work on changing
If a person is able and or willing to embrace the pain they feel enough to acknowledge it, it's another story to see this as something you'd like to change. Embracing change is not easy.
3) Took ownership of your situation and understood your personal power in life
Even if you had no part to play in whatever it is/was that caused your life to be the way it is, you are still central and active in your life. To be even considering therapy or counselling (with or without wanting to), is to take an active role in life.
4) Prioritised yourself and mental health
This can come in many shapes and sizes. Each person is a different self and mental health can look and feel differently to different people. Despite this, to take up space and room in the world - such a beautiful, necessary thing - is an act of self-value and prioritising yourself. Even if it doesn't feel like it, being in therapy has meant you've already taken a step for yourself.
5) Made time and reserved money
Perhaps not always a strictly internal action has gone on to make time and reserve money for therapy (although it certainly can be), this is another way in which you demonstrate prioritising yourself. Let's not forget these practical sides that take play before talking too.
6) Willingness to be vulnerable and overcome fears
Therapy isn't easy, people. It's always a risk, let's face it. Life is one big risk, and being opposite a person and exploring new parts of yourself with them is one of the more obvious risks. It can be a huge, massive, enormous step for some people to even dream of talking to somebody else. If you are in the chair, you are already embracing vulnerability and facing a risk head on.
7) Ability to trust
In addition to the above, as well as a willingness to be vulnerable, the trust muscle has needed to be developed slowly over time before we are able to sit and engage with other people.
8) You may have realised that your situation is manageable
Although this may not always be the case and some clients are in complete desperation when they reach out, it is common that people come into therapy already over the worst of it. Getting into the chair and talking if you choose to do so may mean there is some shimmer of hope and optimism.
In sum...
Claiming that the first step in therapy is talking undermines what a person has been through up until the moment they began talking.
It requires self-reflection and self-awareness, honesty and openness, vulnerability and strength to acknowledge that you want some sort of change in your life so much so that you are willing to go through to process of sharing yourself with another person in counselling.
Written by Lily Llewellyn
January 29th 2024
